I've been experiencing a fair amount of anxiety lately. I can't seem to escape the frantic to-do list in my head, of things that MUST be done before baby #2 arrives. Time is ticking, and with a presumable 4-5 weeks to go, give or take, I can't help but feel a little doubtful that I actually can, and will, accomplish it all.
It dawned on me the other day, that the time I get to spend one on one with my sweet little boy is rapidly passing by, and soon will come to an end.
Of course, I am elated to welcome our baby girl into the world, and feel blessed beyond belief to be giving Max a sibling... However, there is a slight touch of fear to go along with all of that joy. The uncertainty of how our family dynamic is about to change is a bit intimidating.
I remember, shortly after we brought Max home from the hospital, when my brain was still fogged with the perpetual bliss (and hormone overload) that comes with welcoming a new life into the world, wondering if I could ever love another living thing as much as loved him. I sat there rocking him in my arms and inhaling his intoxicating newborn smell, thinking this, THIS, is what the unwavering feeling of true love really is!
Naturally, after 35 weeks of carrying this new bundle, I now know that it will most definitely be possible to love this baby just as much. There is no denying however, that over the past 20 months, Max and I have formed a very special bond.
Lately, the hugs, kisses, and snuggles from my little man have been overwhelmingly abundant, and I couldn't be more pleased. I am making the best effort I can to savor these special moments with him, before I am bombarded with the reality that I will have 2 to care for, 2 to split my attention and time with. I imagine most women struggle with this same anxiety as they make they jump from mommy of one to mommy of two. Maybe not though, maybe it's just me.
Either way, it's inevitable that our baby girl is going to make her way into this world sooner or later, and I'm doing my best to be prepared... If that's even possible.
At the moment, the main source of my anxiety is the knowledge that I will have to be away from Max, overnight, while I deliver this little princess. I have never spent one night away from Max, since the day he was born, and while I knew this day would eventually come, the sadness I feel over not being able to tuck him in for the night, and watch him fall asleep on the video monitor is very raw and real.
Is it normal to feel so much guilt over something like this? Will I feel this anxious next time around, or by then will I be a seasoned professional?
Perhaps this is what being a mother is all about, the ongoing worry and struggle that you're giving all that you have to each of your children... Being carefully sure that your love and attention is being spread as fairly as possible, so that none of your sweet babies ever feel as though they're not getting enough.
I suppose soon enough, I am going to find out. For now though, I'm treasuring my time with this precious little boy who is currently carrying a baby doll around the room, proudly shouting, "Ba-by, baaaa-by, ba-by!" Little does he know, he still is and always will be, my baby.